It really hit me as I was making plans today, then realized, I've run out of "oh, we can do that next weeks". There are no more next weeks. It is this week. In these next few days I need to finish lining up my ducklings and say my goodbyes.
It is 11:41pm and I am desperately tired, but insanely antsy. I feel like a caged animal waiting...
I vacillate between complete and utter excitement and gut-wrenching terror.
I wake up every morning feeling like I'm going to vomit.
There, I said it. Those are (some of) the reasons I haven't written in awhile. I've never felt so scattered and so exhilarated before in my entire life, and I'm not really sure of how to communicate myself. Nor do I always feel like doing so. The closer to the 17th I get, the more I feel the urge to pull inward.
That all said, I feel an underlying sense of peace. In spite of my twisting stomach, I somehow know this is the best thing I can do for myself right now. That decision I made in November of 2011 is entirely changing the course of my life. I'm doing what I was always too afraid to do- leave the safety of my illusion of security to find out what I'm really capable of doing. I'm setting off knowing that I have no choice but to trust myself. I have to trust my instincts, trust my heart, trust my abilities- trust that I will be able to take care of myself no matter what I encounter.
"Why are you scared?" a few of my friends will occasionally ask... At the end of the day, nothing of substance. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared because I have virtually no idea how anything is going to pan out from this moment on. I let go of the cushy predictable job, my cozy apartment, my comfortable routines, and have thus opened myself to a whole new world of possibilities.
But therein lies the beauty of it. I don't know- I'm open and ready for anything because there are no expectations. I am living based on what I want to do instead of what others think I should be doing. For the first time in a long time, I can say that I am proud of my life. I can own every failure and triumph because I'm no longer allowing someone else tell me how I should live.
When it's all said and done- there really is nothing to fear. Any fears I may have are tied to issues of predictable security, and as I've seen over and over again, it doesn't matter what you have or what you do- you can lose what you have in an instant. Your amazing job, your impressive home and car, all of your neat geeky gadgets can be wiped away- even the people you love the most. So really, life boils down to the choices you make and who you are when everything falls away.
I've always wanted to be able to say I'm proud of my life- that I'm excited about what could happen.
Now, I finally am.
Best of luck this week. I loved reading your feelings as they have been very familiar to me this year. You won't just be fine, you'll be better than ever, each step of the way. Oh and Joseph Campbell is a BIG inspiration. What a wonderful person he was.
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